In the midst of my anxiety about the upcoming exams, I read my notes and I wanted to give up. I took an hour trying to comprehend one set of readings (fyi, not even one week) and still, it was futile.

Then the song on my itunes caught my attention.

Give it all Away – Aaron Shust

Search my heart, search my mind, search my soul
Make me clean, make me new, make me whole
All of my plans, all of my dreams
I lay them down before Your feet
All of my time, all that was mine
I now submit to Your design
‘Cause You are the One who can make my life complete
You are the One who can give light to my feet
You are the One and the only One who dared
To give it all away for me
You are my strength, You are my God, You are my King
You make me laugh, You make me dance, You make me sing
Everything inside, everything outside,
I give it all away
You never change
But you rearrange my heart more everyday

Then a reply message from my cell member, Josaiah.  J Thank you.

“Cheer up! Baptism is so much more positive than the negativity of exams. Add oil.”

You might not realise that the few words you said, renewed my purpose again as a steward for God.

Yes / No?

(: The sweet surprise. 3 macarons today turned my frown around.

I want to go to Grand Cayman and do everything beside the clear blue waters and most importantly, DIVE ! I want to learn free diving, and swim like a dolphin. I want to jump into the clear blue waters nowwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Damn the science paper tomorrow. I’m not exactly interested in the sky, I’m obsessed with the sea. In Grand Cayman, I can live without a hotel, I just need a room and a toilet. :D I don’t need to eat fancy food, I just need staples to fuel my energy to dive. :DD I WANT TO GO THERE NOW. Life is miserable here.

URHGXZATAHAGSJHJAKAOAH MOOOOOMMMMMNOOOOOMBOOOOO Utrecht University rejected my core module, no way to appeal. And for the other two core modules, they said they have to review my score once again and if it’s acceptable by them I have to do a freaking assignment on the 18 nov and hand in just before my first paper in school, which is on the 23 of nov. I have no idea what to do now but to wait and pray like a mad bitch. Pardon me but I’m just really frustrated and annoyed now. I have no more sociology modules to map over already due to their limited (to the power of 10) choices for exchange students. What is stupid is, they told me the courses are highly limited in number.. then why take in exchange students in the first place when you don’t have anything for them to study. Then, why accept me into your school ? There is no way I’m going to withdraw with all the down payments made for my accommodation and full payment for other administrative stuffs such as the 1.5k (sing) visa. Kabooooom, what am I supposed to do now? I feel topsy turvy.

(The following entry has nothing to do with Pocky :))

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.

— Douglas Adams

At the end of the day, You embraced me in your arms. Your love, everlasting. I made plans in my life, so many times they fail me. But yet, you hold me steadfast with your Word and tell me it’s okay. What matters most importantly is where my heart belongs.

You take away my fears and insecurities. You made me see how perfect things could be in my life.

*Cheryl Ng is so adorable :]

The things about life that I’ve learned is that you’re going to get hurt. You’re going to have emotional nights and cry yourself to sleep for hours. You’re going to suffer some kind of heartbreak, some kind of loss. But you will also have those moments where you heal. Those moments are the best. You feel like you smile for the first time again. You feel like you’re alive again. Life just kind of restarts.

I had a strange dream of you last night. Something within me has been compelling me to talk to you again. But I am still resisting it, I am afraid. Truth of the matter is, I am afraid of dejection. I tremble with the thoughts of being rejected. I have no clue where or what to even begin with. I want everything to stay the same until I am ready for it to change. But I know I can’t do that. I can’t expect the whole world to stand still until I am ready.

What happened to courage, brave heart? You always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it.

It’s the tragedy of loving, you can’t love anything more than something you miss.

— Johnathan Foer

I miss you my friend.

This 20^th was special.

No wowbow boom form, no parties, no booze, no music.

But a dinner with my church friends, and another dinner with my secondary best friends.

THEY, made me feel special. Thank you Sam, Aaron, Weijie, Pierre, Syen, Car and Xuewei, Khim, Ping for your time and effort in making the dinner a successful date.

On the way home, Weijie sent me a happy birthday message which made me reflect, on the past 20 years of my life. He said something like, “wow, you’re 20. Not trying to say you are old but wow, it has been 20 years of living up your life.”

Initially, I started to recall on my achievements, in school, sports and ministry.

I began to realise that I didn’t meet almost all of my expectations, even though it has been 20 years. Yet, I don’t feel ashamed about it neither upset. The basis of my identity and selfhood is not what I have achieved so far, it is solely fixed in Christ.

I wasn’t actually living up my life until 14 years of age, when I started to hold on tightly to a relationship with God. It has been 6 years, I have never regretted a single moment of it. And for the years ahead, I want to soak in every moment of my relationship with God.

Some people label me mad in love. I wouldn’t mind, really. I’m mad about a love that is eternal, everlasting and most importantly, on the basis of faith. This love transcends what Man can provide. It is difficult to comprehend at times, but yet there lies a beautiful contradiction. It is simple. I am loved, still love and will be loved by God.

Special mention to my cell, who accidentally surprised me with 2 cakes last Saturday as well. :] I feel honoured to be your shepherd.

Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays.  – Soren Kierkegaard

He took her hands, wrapped them around his and uttered a prayer to God. It wasn’t a prayer of reassurance. Neither was it out of fear of Men and insecurity. It was a prayer of faith, of complete surrendering of the entire relationship unto God. It need not be verbally loud, but I’m sure he heard it. Neither must it be constructed with the perfect flow of words, because it came from an imperfect perfect heart.

You justified my folly
My affluent disguise
Removed revealing nothing
Yet nothing unforgiven lies

Take a leap of faith, and pour out your heart to the Lover of your soul. Position yourself to listen, and He will speak. The seeds of intimacy will grow abundantly.

So let me lay down in this field and stare up at the sky. I hope the days and clouds turn into something as they pass us by. And maybe you could settle for e skyline faded blue. I hope that you might settle for this love I have for you.

Holga 120mm

Pulau Aur, 9 – 11 October 2009