Are you alive
Is there a young woman hiding inside
Does she know that we’re trying to help her
Is she totally frozen with fear
If you let her come out for a day
She might even like it and stay
But it’s gonna take you to invite her
Coz you seem so determined to spite her

Today, I’m afraid of yesterday.

Tomorrow, I’ll start worrying for the future.

Pakkiu called me last night after a ten thousand donkey years, it was good hearing from you again my friend. Your language prowess is still pathetic with wtf being your only form of communication.

I drew a spider today. It has 6 legs and 2 feelers.

I’m losing it, till friday (:

So many stormy nights
So many wrongs or rights
Neither could change their headstrong ways
And in a lover’s rage
they tore another page
The fighting is worth the love they save

3101 down ! 2215, 2216, 3214 to come. I sat behind a dean’s lister for my paper today. I hope he had some genius germs around him that has spread to me.

Emotional breakdown.

I do not practise what I preach. School has been sucking me dry socially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. My life seemed to be centred around my grades. B minus for two essays filled my entire soul with anxiety and fear about the upcoming exams.

“It’s just a paper with a grade on it, it doesn’t represent you.”  But the paper means everything, isn’t it?

There goes my dream. With a three year degree, I’m not even permitted to undergo an interview with MFA.

 

When I start to shop compulsively, it’s a physical manifestation that I’m psychologically and emotionally stressed. Reading SC 3101 Social Thought and theory blew my mind, yearhhhh in a wow way. Like wow, what the heck am I reading?

That said, I bought a bubblegum pop limegreen casio watch, a U back LBD and vintage flowery long vest. :):):) I am overwhelmed with shame that I am not mugging like those toads who camp in the central library for like > 12 hours.

DIVINE KNOWLEDGE; won’t you fall on me now.

In the midst of my anxiety about the upcoming exams, I read my notes and I wanted to give up. I took an hour trying to comprehend one set of readings (fyi, not even one week) and still, it was futile.

Then the song on my itunes caught my attention.

Give it all Away – Aaron Shust

Search my heart, search my mind, search my soul
Make me clean, make me new, make me whole
All of my plans, all of my dreams
I lay them down before Your feet
All of my time, all that was mine
I now submit to Your design
‘Cause You are the One who can make my life complete
You are the One who can give light to my feet
You are the One and the only One who dared
To give it all away for me
You are my strength, You are my God, You are my King
You make me laugh, You make me dance, You make me sing
Everything inside, everything outside,
I give it all away
You never change
But you rearrange my heart more everyday

Then a reply message from my cell member, Josaiah.  J Thank you.

“Cheer up! Baptism is so much more positive than the negativity of exams. Add oil.”

You might not realise that the few words you said, renewed my purpose again as a steward for God.

 

Yes / No?

(: The sweet surprise. 3 macarons today turned my frown around.

I want to go to Grand Cayman and do everything beside the clear blue waters and most importantly, DIVE ! I want to learn free diving, and swim like a dolphin. I want to jump into the clear blue waters nowwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Damn the science paper tomorrow. I’m not exactly interested in the sky, I’m obsessed with the sea. In Grand Cayman, I can live without a hotel, I just need a room and a toilet. :D I don’t need to eat fancy food, I just need staples to fuel my energy to dive. :DD I WANT TO GO THERE NOW. Life is miserable here.

URHGXZATAHAGSJHJAKAOAH MOOOOOMMMMMNOOOOOMBOOOOO Utrecht University rejected my core module, no way to appeal. And for the other two core modules, they said they have to review my score once again and if it’s acceptable by them I have to do a freaking assignment on the 18 nov and hand in just before my first paper in school, which is on the 23 of nov. I have no idea what to do now but to wait and pray like a mad bitch. Pardon me but I’m just really frustrated and annoyed now. I have no more sociology modules to map over already due to their limited (to the power of 10) choices for exchange students. What is stupid is, they told me the courses are highly limited in number.. then why take in exchange students in the first place when you don’t have anything for them to study. Then, why accept me into your school ? There is no way I’m going to withdraw with all the down payments made for my accommodation and full payment for other administrative stuffs such as the 1.5k (sing) visa. Kabooooom, what am I supposed to do now? I feel topsy turvy.